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A True Fantasy Team
By JD | October 30, 2007
Imagine if you can create a fantasy team of fictional baseball players from some of your favorite baseball movies? Well I’ll save you the trouble and do it for you.
Starting lineup:
1. Willie “Mays” Hayes (Major League)
Leadoff hitter has to be WMH. Played by the great Wesley Snipes, who famously says, “Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.” He later added “I also won’t be in the sequel and I don’t pay my taxes.”
2. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)
At the end of the flick (and no, I’m not issuing a spoiler alert for a movie that came out in 1993), Benny steals home plate to win the game for the Los Angeles Dodgers and he also gives Smalls a cheesy thumbs up afterward. What’s not to love? I’m sure most fans would still bash him for having a low OBP, being past is prime and for having a cheesy moustache, but as a child he outran a 340lb dog and you didn’t so….yeah.
3. Roy Hobbs (The Natural)
Whether it’s the Wonderboy, the Savoy Special, or a wiffle bat, this is a guy we want in our lineup. His heroic pennant-winning home run at the end of the film ensures him the 3 spot. If you don’t get the chills watching the home run scene when he basically makes the stadium explode, then you’re not human.
4. Pedro Cerrano (Major League)
Sure the guy can’t hit a curveball, but all he has to do is offer Jobu some cigars and rum and Jobu fixes everything. Plus he hits the straight ball very much. I’m working under the impression that tutelage from his hitting coach will help him lay off the breaking ball. You can’t underestimate the Jobu-Effect. I think I read somewhere that Jobu actually got him the role of President David Palmer on the show 24.
5. Stan Ross (Mr. 3000)
Bernie Mac attack! Stan Ross retired thinking he had 3,000 hits. Well someone F’ed up somewhere and they discover he’s 3 hits short. So he comes back at 47 years old, makes a few bad jokes, forces us to endure a terrible Dane Cook cameo who plays the voice of a character known as ‘Sausage Mascot’ (what a shocker!), and eventually Stan misses the mark for the sake of the team and finishes with 2,999 hits. I hope I didn’t spoil the movie for you…..actually I hope I did. It sucked.
6. 1B - Alejandro “Butch” Heddo (Rookie of the Year)
Henry Rowengartner’s first pitching appearance comes against the great New York Mets. Butch Heddo then hits a monster home run off poor little Henry and proceeds to mock him as he takes his victory lap around the bases. Mets fan everywhere rejoice!
7. Crash Davis (Bull Durham)
Apologies to Jack Parkman (Major League II) and Jake Taylor (Major League), but I had to choose Crash Davis. Jake Taylor is sort of a wannabe Crash Davis anyway, but calling his own shot and proceeding to lay down a bunt and a slow motion run to first base was quite glorious. As for Parkman, sure he has more talent, a sexy shimmy that the ladies love, a cool car, cheap hookers and proved himself on the major league level, but Crash Davis has the fictional minor league home run record. Sign me up! Plus he can help the other players with clichés for sports writers and teach them very valuable baseball lessons and as well as life lessons. Plus it’s close to impossible to leave Kevin Costner off this list since he’s been Bull Durham, Chasing Dreams, For Love of the Game, Field of Dreams and Waterworld. What does Waterworld have to do with anything? Well, I’m still waiting for Mr. Costner to give me my money back for that one.
8. Isuro Tanaka (Major League II)
He is in the lineup purely for comical relief. Hopefully he can continue his “You have no marbles!” shtick for the entire season. The day it is no longer humorous, Tanaka will be immediately traded for the Kaz Matsui. You may be asking yourselves, “but isn’t Kaz real? I thought this list was just for fictional players!” Well Kaz is like Neo from The Matrix. He travels throughout both worlds.
9. Okie (Rookie of the Year)
Don’t remember him huh? He was the goofy first baseman. The one that helps pull off the hidden ball trick. Still don’t remember the face? Well now he plays the janitor on the show Scrubs. I thought that was cool. Plus I’m running out of movie characters to use.
The Bench
-Roger Dorn (Major League)
Every team needs a Roger Dorn. No exceptions.
-Danny Hemmerling (Angels in the Outfield)
Played by Oscar winner Adrien Brody
-Ben Williams (Angels in the Outfield)
Played by all around douchebag Matthew McConaughey.
-Jack Elliot (Mr. Baseball)
The mustachioed Tom Selleck.
-Doris Murphy (A League of Their Own)
Rosie O’Donnell counts as a dude right?
The Starters
SP - Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
A 12 year old kid breaks his arm and discovers that he can throw some straight up 100 mph cheese. The doctor’s excuse was that the tendons in his arm have healed a little tight. I’ve been breaking my arm ever since and I still can’t throw faster than 35 mph. I call BS.
SP - Rick Vaughn (Major League)
Wild Thing! You make my heart sing! You make 40-65 year olds laughs on Two and a Half Men! Rick Vaughn has inspired a generation of pitchers to come out to goofy rock music. We salute you.
SP - Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh (Bull Durham)
Sure, Tim Robbins throws like a girl in the movie, but apparently that makes you a top prospect in the fictional baseball world.
SP - Mel Clark (Angels in the Outfield)
That’s right. Tony Danza as a MLB pitcher. Tony Danza’s “stuff” includes a dazzling 24mph fastball, a 9mph changeup, and a slider which is basically a sidearm version of his changeup….except slower. Who’s the boss now bitch?
SP - Chet “The Rocket” Steadman.
If Gary Busey was throwing a baseball at you, do you honestly think you could stop staring at his teeth in time to swing the bat? I didn’t think so. His teeth are mesmorizing. They’re like a lava lamp.
Bullpen
- I’ll take the entire bullpen from the movie Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. And yes, there really was a movie called Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch. I repeat….some Hollywood executives actually green-lighted a movie called Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch.
Manager
That annoying guy from that stupid HBO show Arli$$ (whatever it’s called) was in Bull Durham so I’d pick him. He seems like the kind of guy that’s looking for work right about now.
There you have it folks. A true fantasy baseball team. Oh and I almost forgot, Enrico Palazzo will be singing the National Anthem so you won’t want to miss that.
Topics: JD |
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